Month: February 2019

I am flawed. I am ace.

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Photo by Chris Slupski on Unsplash

Words by Fiona Whitehead based on an interview with Bex

I am going to start with the end of Bex’s story – “I am flawed.  I am ace.”.

Those two statements side by side really resonate with me. 

But back to the beginning. 

Bex loves her comfort zone, in her words “Can’t budge me from it.  It’s my safety net, my security blanket, my ‘zone’. ”

Then, seven years ago, she was pushed out of her comfort zone, and it wasn’t her choice. “Mentally I was not in a good place.  There was a war going on in my head, my mind and my emotions.  I would wake up mentally exhausted.  I would be emotionally all over the place – flying high on happiness and then crashing to miserable depths.  I was always in tears especially over stupid things.  Emotionally and socially I was cutting myself off from those around me and withdrawing.  It took one day when I was at my lowest that I realised that maybe… just maybe, I might have a problem.  I was being mentally crippled by my mental and emotional state.  Crippled in that I was too “scared” to do things that I loved.  Too anxious about doing something that would normally not bother me at all.  Something like going out of dinner with friends because some an emotional and mental tax, that would stop doing it. ”

Rather than ignore the situation Bex sought help. This meant having to learn to talk about herself and how she felt.  The result was the diagnosis of anxiety and depression – and the next step was therapy.  

“If I was struggling with going through the diagnoses process with all the intrusive questions, how was I going to go with therapy?  I wasn’t just pushed out of my comfort zone, I was being shoved.  Hard.  And with brutal force.  If you are a natural introvert, talking about yourself is hard enough.  Talking about healing your brain and your mental state of mind – is brutal.  It means making yourself emotionally vulnerable.  It means stripping back emotional layers that are the mental bubble wrap to protect you.  It means being honest and asking questions about yourself that you may not like.  May not want to be asked.  May not want to answer. 

“It means dumping all the mental pieces of your mind and like a puzzle, picking through them to construct a picture that is healthy and constructive.

“It means challenges.  Like facing the days where you want to pull the doona over your head and hide – so you get up and face the world.  It means taking away the safety net to be brave to face challenges that proves that you don’t need the net.  That if things don’t go to plan or don’t work out – that’s okay.  It means accepting that because you don’t tick a stereotype box – doesn’t mean that you are some freak.”

Bex was literally set a series of challenges, with the first one being to share her story. This not only involved making herself vulnerable, but it involved public speaking!  Despite literally knocking knees, Bex felt a huge relief once she had mastered this challenge. 

The next challenge was to mentor someone who was also suffering from anxiety and depression, the third to go speed dating!  Speed dating taught Bex that other people did find her interesting and maybe she was being too hard on herself. 

Her last challenge was to “go to my mirror and look myself in the eye.  I’ve never really did that.  I look in the mirror but it’s to look at something in particular.  Hair’s looking passable, lipstick is on point, shirt covers the essentials.  I’ve never looked at myself.  That is one of the hardest things to do…  That you have to accept and acknowledge yourself.”

And that leads me back to the start.  What did Bex learn? “Well – without sounding like I am throwing my ticket-tape parade – I am flawed.  I am ace.  Both are neither right or wrong, they are what they are.  I need to learn to accept that sometimes my flaws are on show and I shouldn’t beat myself up about them and turn them into something that will trigger anxiety.  That sometimes you need to buckle your mental seatbelt and let the ride take you rather than being stressed and trying to control the ride.  Accept that you have highs (positives) and soldier through the lows because both are perfectly okay.  Just be honest with myself.

“Oh and remember to breathe… if you are breathing you are okay.”

About Bex – long suffering St Kilda fan, pop culture tragic, music gig pig, wannabe professional traveller, proud aunt of two adorable cheeky nieces, loves a dad joke, a sucker for a good story, can be bribed with Reece’s peanut buttercups, would make an awesome snarky sassy sidekick, may have an obsession with red lipsticks (20 and counting!!!)

Two for the price of One

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Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

Words by Fiona Whitehead based on an interview with Andrew

Andrew shared with me two experiences of stepping out of his comfort zone. In an inception like move one was contributing to my blog! 

The common theme I noticed in Andrews experiences is that he plans. I personally find planning a great way to get out of my comfort zone too. Something about controlling what you can I think. 

Anyway, back to Andrew’s stories. 

His first example was taking the opportunity to act in a higher position at work. He took the opportunity as it was great for his career development, and has now done it on numerous occasions. After initial excitement about the chance to show that he could do the role, Andrew ‘’soon changed to feeling anxious and nervous about not having the skills to do the role adequately and the sense and fear of failure kicked in. I was thinking ‘I can’t do this. I am not capable; do I have what it takes?’” 

Andrew’s next steps were to “seek support and set out a plan so I wouldn’t fail’’. This included speaking with mentors, reading as much as he could and trusting his existing skills and knowledge. 

And the result?  Success! 

‘’The outcome in the end was I found this experience to be challenging but at the same time I learnt so much from the experience both personally and professionally. For me stepping out of my comfort zone does not come naturally but when I reflect back on experiences that required me to do so they are generally always beneficial.’’ 

I see similarities to Nolle’s ‘Valley of Despair’ in Andrews story.  

And then to our story about the story.  

‘’Being a naturally introverted person it is certainly out of my comfort zone to put myself out there and express myself in a public forum about my insecurities and or weaknesses. But when I read the post for this I thought why not…… I volunteered to partake in the blog because I am not a strong writer and felt it would help with self-reflection and my development as a leader in Telstra.’’ 

Once Andrew had volunteered I sent him an email with my interview questions, which triggered ‘’oh no what am I going to write about and how is it going to be perceived?’’ thoughts. 

Once again Andrew started with a plan. Some pencilled ideas, a plan on how he was going to attack the challenge and just started. ‘’ Sometimes just getting making a start is all it takes, then the ideas start to flow. I think this goes for anything in life getting started is the hardest thing whether that’s at work on a new project, fitness program or a New Year resolution.’’ 

I will let Andrew have the last words, they capture his experience (and I think those of many others) well: 

”When I look back on both of these experiences I feel a sense relief (that I survived) and satisfaction at being able to complete something that required me to “Step Outside My Comfort Zone”. 

”It is not always a positive experience when you step out of your comfort zone but I think there are always valuable learnings taken from all these experience whether it is positive or negative. I think there will be many more occasions in the future where I step out of my comfort zone, it probably occurs every day at work with a something as simple as a difficult conversation with a colleague or customer. 

”If someone is hesitating at stepping outside their comfort zone (something big or small) I would say jump at it and enjoy the challenge. You will certainly look back on it and think wow did I actually do that.” 

Thanks Andrew. 

A bit about Andrew: 

* I am Andrew Morgan a Field Technician in Nth NSW Tamworth Team 

* I have been in Telstra since 2014 starting as a trainee. 

* Since joining Telstra I have been fortunate to do relief work as the NBN ROS 

* I am currently participating in the Step into Leadership Program 

* I recently completed an Adv Dip Business Leadership and Management 

* I have a keen interest in Change Management 

* Lastly, I follow the AFL and I barrack for the Mighty Hawks!! 

3, 2, 1 Bungee!

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Yep, this was me! Way back in 1996.

Words by Fiona Whitehead

Have you ever been so scared you thought you would be physically ill?

That was me as I prepared to bungee jump off a bridge over the Zambesi River in Zimbabwe.

I was at the start of a 5-week safari through 5 countries in Eastern Africa. When I booked, I had noticed that the Bungee Jump was one of the optional extras and decided immediately I was doing it.  There is perhaps a bit of adrenaline junkie in me.

The location was Victoria Falls in Zimbabwe, wonderfully picturesque!  You jump off a bridge, slightly downriver from the falls, over a fast flowing river.

When I jumped there was a fair bit of preparation.  There was a video to watch, including people jumping around the world, heads being dunked in rivers, huge smiles all round.  There was the queueing up.  There was the hearing that your second jump is free if you do it nekkid! We also watched someone do a reverse jump where the rope was attached to a harness on his chest and he jumped backwards. I have never witnessed terror like I saw on his face as he ‘fell’ backwards.

Then it was my turn.

As they fastened towels and ropes around my ankles, they tried to distract me with chatter.  It didn’t really work. I remember smiling faces, and have photo evidence of me smiling back, but I can’t really remember anything other than the fast approach of fear. And when I shuffled to the edge of the platform and looked down 190 metres to the water below, I began to feel nausea, a lot of nausea.  I turned to the person helping and whispered: “I think I am going to throw up”.  His response?  “Wait until you get to the bottom or you will bounce back up through it”.  Such a digusting image made my mind go kind of blank, and when he followed that with “3, 2, 1 Bungee” I just jumped!

A perfect swan dive (as evidenced by the video) off the side of the bridge was soon followed by the realisation that I could not feel the rope they had attached.  Did they forget to tie it? Had it come off?  Was I swan diving to my death?  The team beneath the bridge confirm I swore very loudly about then! (Those who know me will know how out of character swearing as!).

The best part of the jump?  That moment when I felt the tension of the rope kick in.  Joy does not come purer than that!

Unlike the rumours to the contrary, there was no sudden jerk at the bottom of my jump.  Just a gradual realisation that the scenery was going to opposite way.  That was followed by me ever so gently bouncing and swinging on the end of an 111m rope, giving the thumbs up for my photo when asked.

I bounced and swung for what felt like a long time! They have to wait until you completely stop before they come to attach the winch to pull you back up to the bridge.  But the view did not get less spectacular. And the rope was not slipping off my ankles (despite that fear crossing my mind too!).

Would I bungee jump again?  You bet I would!  In fact I wonder why I haven’t…

A huge leap

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Photo by Sammie Vasquez on Unsplash

Words by Fiona Whitehead based on an interview with Subhashini

The very first response I received when asking people to share their stories for my blog was humbling to me. It was an intensely personal story, and my gratitude to Subhashini is enormous.

Before I start, please note the content warnings: Abuse, depression

Subhashini was only 15 when her story begins, and the planning began months earlier. Try to imagine being in such an abusive situation that, despite the stigma of living alone in India, despite society expecting you to live with your parents until marriage (and sometimes beyond), despite it being ‘’too scary”, you leave home alone at the age of 15. Keep in mind that even when it is awful, home is still what you know and your ‘’comfort zone’’.

Subhashini’s parents were abusive. In her words ‘’I faced a lot of physical as well as emotional abuse coupled with neglect. They always wanted a male child and were extremely disappointed to have me. … It led to quite an early onset of depression and PTSD. I was getting more and more suicidal with each passing day. That’s when I decided that I have to take my life into my own hands and do something for myself rather than waiting around to be accepted”.

Operating in absolute stealth, Subhashini planned her escape. The big move occurred very quickly and suddenly after a huge fight with her mother. Once her mother left for work Subhashini packed the items she had set aside to take with her and left the house. ‘’ It was the sheer force of my will which made me carry two big suitcases and 2 huge bags full of books all on my own … I reached the train station and took a train without knowing where I would be going. All the adrenaline dipped as soon as the train left the station. I realized I was shaking from head to toe. The anxiety was unreal! I decided to call one of my college friends who sneaked me into her old house and let me stay there till I found a job and another accommodation’’

Subhashini says that despite the months of planning ‘’I wasn’t really prepared and you can never be prepared for such things’’.

The story doesn’t end there, Subhashini found a job (despite being underage) and through sheer hard work managed to finish college. 8 years on she has a decent job, rents her own apartment and even has a pet. Therapists have helped her work through her issues.

Subhashini has gone from feeling desolate and out of control to feeling like she is able to breathe.

Would Subhashini recommend stepping out of your comfort zone?

”DEFINITELY! I would do it over as many times as possible because it has taught me so many valuable things in life. I am a better person overall. I look back and I see how much I’ve grown in these eight years, personally as well as professionally. I can articulate well, express myself better. I don’t run away from situations anymore, I face it and deal with all the emotions that come with it. I am confident and more positive and I feel optimistic. I don’t instantly get bogged down by complex situations. I am more rational and I can keep my head at all times. I don’t think any of it would have been possible had I not decided to step out of my comfort zone (Which was 15 yrs of abuse and I was actually comfortable in that space since it was something I was used to and had learnt to cope with in my own unhealthy ways). I think this is the base to all the greatness one can accomplish, a stepping stone towards achieving anything you want however small or big it may be!”

And the last words of this post are also from Subhashini ”Preparation is good but as I said, no amount of preparation is going to help you navigate through life the way you want. Sometimes it’s best to take that leap of faith and trust yourself to sail the stormy seas. It’s good to listen to people but not rely on people to make your decisions. It’s absolutely okay to go wrong or be wrong, we are all learning. Accept and move forward. Things are never as bad as they seem to be. Do not ever hesitate to ask people for help. It’s never a bad idea. Talk to people and you never know how someone might be able to help you. My faith in humanity has increased so much because of all the people that I’ve talked to, who turned out to be wonderful. 
Keep faith and just do it!”

About Subhashini:

I am a 23 yr old student of Law and Sociology. In my free time, I am a researcher working on Intersectional Feminism in India. My weekend projects includes volunteering for NGOs to provide gender sensitivity workshops to 8th grade children. Diversity and inclusion is what I strive for. As for hobbies, I am into DIY home décor and also paint whenever I am not occupied with other things.

The Valley of Despair

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Photo by Mario Álvarez on Unsplash

Words by Fiona Whitehead based on an interview with Nolle

When I spoke to Nolle about a time she stepped out of her comfort zone professionally, her story was something I could really relate to – that moment when you move from being a team member to being a team leader within the same team!

Nolle spoke about there being many different examples of professionally stepping out of your comfort zone, but this one stood out for her. ‘’It’s a great compliment and it’s a great achievement, pay off for all your hard work but it also brings a lot of anxiety because where people were your friends and confided in you … they can become a little bit guarded. And it’s hard for human beings because they still want to be liked. It’s fundamental in our nature to still be liked. And when the dynamic changes … [it] can’t be the same … and the thing that you learn about stepping outside your comfort zone in that environment is that you can’t operate the way you would have previously.”

Next Nolle passed on to me something she learned from a mentor, the “Valley of Despair”. This I have experienced many times, I imagine you have too!

The Valley of Despair starts with the excitement of a new position or role. “This is fantastic”. This is the top of the valley. Then the time comes for you to start the role, and the doubts kick in. “I hope I can do this” which leads to you realising just how much you have to learn and you start going down the slope into the valley. You start thinking ‘’oh my god, is this is too much for me?. I don’t know if I can do it.” In addition, you are in the situation of managing people who were once your peers, so you are rebuilding relationships too.

In Nolle’s words “This is where some people check out and say ‘this is not for me’ or ‘I can’t do this’. But what happens is that if you can give yourself the time … be a bit easy with yourself and understand that this is what always happens with change. So then you start to get to know what you’re doing, start to establish relationships with people around you, start to get your self-belief back again, and start to learn the new systems, processes,  then you start to make that role your own. So you’re coming back up the other side of the valley, and then when you kick a couple of goals, whether the low hanging fruit or you think you’re getting the job done, you get feedback from your one up or two up, then you start to see you’re climbing right back up to the top of the valley.’’

What Nolle loves is that this pattern repeats every time she steps out of her comfort zone. When you know it is coming you can deal with it. ‘’It’s going to be a bit tough for a while, but then I’m going to be okay.”

And why does Nolle step out of her comfort zone?

“Well, I was always career hungry.  I think that’s because I grew up in Ireland where we didn’t have many opportunities, where I left school and went straight into full time work …  I was forever trying to prove to myself if I am I good enough … As I’ve got older and wiser, I think instead of trying to prove something to yourself … we have to ask ourselves what do we really want?”

As discussed with Nolle, professional risks tend to be more public and failure more frightening than risks in your personal life. She believes it is important to have goals, and that stepping out of your comfort zone is often needed to achieve those goals.

I found Nolle’s description of the Valley of Despair really helpful, I know I have experienced it often without having this great image to refer to. Next time I will know that the tough times will pass!

A bit about Nolle:
Currently working as a Business Partner Principal in the Transformation Delivery Office at Telstra.
Background:
Having worked in IT & Business roles spanning over 2 decades in Australia in various different sectors including Health, Media, Technology & Telecommunications
Working primarily  in the project and program space, moving into leadership and management roles and over the last few years into partnership and engagement roles
Moving to Australia at 23, married with 5 children (blended family) loving life and all that it brings 🙂